Hello! I am on the Internet!

HIRING: Faculty

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:38:07 -0500

About the position: The Music Department Vacancy Pool applicants are qualified persons interested in possible openings throughout the academic year and summer sessions for temporary, limited term employment on a part-time basis, with occasional opportunities for temporary, full-time appointments. If you are still breathing after that sentence, skip to the next section. If not, here’s the just of it: we’re going to round up all of you un-hirable losers into a pool and pretend we might hire you someday. We have to keep our secretaries looking busy or the Dean will cut the positions. Positions may become available at any time and are typically filled on a quarterly basis.

About the department: It’s a bunch of music dorks. Also, marching band.

Required Qualifications: Pulses, opposable thumbs, ears.

Preferred Qualifications: 16-year degree with gold stars and stuff.

Job location: Western Washington University. Google it, fucknuts.

Bargaining Union: United Faculty of HAHAHAHAHAHA You will never qualify for the Union.

Application Instructions and Requested Documents: Please log in below and submit your application via WWU’s Electronic System for Employment (EASE). Note: You will need to be using Internet Explorer to utilize our online application system. Safari Smugnuts need not apply.

A cover letter and vita are required and should address your experience related to the position responsibilities and the required and preferred qualifications. You may cut and paste or upload your resume and cover letter as noted on the EASE application. Good luck IE users.

Salary: Commensurate with experience, qualifications, literacy, physical fitness, gullibleness, making up words, acronyms, and taking our University seriously. ~$4.65/hour. Probably.

I guess you will be hiring some AMAZING audio specialists. You...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:20:00 -0500

I guess you will be hiring some AMAZING audio specialists. You know, they all use PC’s and LOVE Internet Explorer. Also, they REALLY LOVE being told what browser to use. Once I’m hired can you tell me at exactly what angle I should urinate into the coffee pot?

EASE stands for Employees All Something Whatever Because We Arn’t Filling This Position Anyway.

Also, “utilize” is douchebag for “use” because I know not all of you can read douchebag.

ALSO your passive-voice makes me want to cockpunch a baby kitten.

Ready to work!

Piano Tuner: Epiloge

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:40:33 -0500

The man works on our 1940’s piano for an hour. It sounds a lot better. When he is done, he calls me in to play it. I play it and ask a few questions. It’s old and makes some weird sounds that would require some extensive repair. Nothing major though.

After he asks me about my life. He eyes my saxophones and says, “Would you mind playing for me?”

So I get one out and play a few bars of Georgia on My Mind. I’m a classical musician mostly, but I can get around the changes for Georgia. He smiles.

After that we walk about my life and my fiancée. He packs up his gear and prepares to leave. I ask him for the total. He says, “I have been very blessed in my life. I am now in the business of giving back to people who are just starting. Your playing was a payment in return for my service.” Then, through my protests, he put on his shoes and left.

I wish I played better.

Secret copyright treaty leaks. It's bad. Very bad. - Boing Boing

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:04:06 -0500

Secret copyright treaty leaks. It's bad. Very bad. - Boing Boing:

Change I want to kick in the nuts.

At 10:00am a thin, middle-aged man walked by my large window and turned to enter my apartment...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:35:29 -0500

At 10:00am a thin, middle-aged man walked by my large window and turned to enter my apartment building. “Who the hell are you?” I thought.

My apartment intercom buzzes. I hesitantly walk out to see what the serial killer wants. I open the door just a crack. He smiles and says, “Hello Tim.” Fuck! He knows my name.

Just as I am about to slam the door and call the cops he senses my nervousness and says the magic words, “I’m here to tune your piano.”

I need to stop watching CSI I think.

The Enamored Whale Letterpress by acerriteno Yes.

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:30:00 -0500

The Enamored Whale Letterpress by acerriteno

Yes.

slaughterhouse90210: “Let me tell you, that idiot...

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:31:44 -0500

slaughterhouse90210:

“Let me tell you, that idiot ex-cocaine-addict was never a cowboy. He can wear all the cowboy hats he wants. He’s a spoiled brat to the manor born. And he makes me puke.”

—Elizabeth Strout, Olive Kitteridge

"The NFL is prohibiting FOX 47 from showing the Detroit Lion’s game today. For more information..."

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 13:29:53 -0500

“The NFL is prohibiting FOX 47 from showing the Detroit Lion’s game today. For more information please call the NFL at 212-450-2000.”

- Sweet Merciful Jesus

If you know me, you know what happens next.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:16:46 -0400

If you know me, you know what happens next.

nicky36: My husband’s comment on his pumpkin, “I don’t like to...

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 12:44:29 -0400

nicky36:

My husband’s comment on his pumpkin, “I don’t like to throw around the word ‘genius,’ but…”

This was my 1,000th liked post.

I have no regrets.

by Natalie Dee

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:57:47 -0400

by Natalie Dee

Brad Mehldau Trio - Knives Out

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:55:55 -0400

Brad Mehldau Trio - Knives Out

Wow. Merriam-Webster looks nice on the iPhone.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:30:00 -0400

Wow. Merriam-Webster looks nice on the iPhone.

ronbailey: nevver: Falcon has landed. As noted by Nostrich, a...

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:09:34 -0400

ronbailey:

nevver:

Falcon has landed.

As noted by Nostrich, a few seconds with a calculator would have told anyone with a curious mind that there wasn’t a 40 lb little boy in that balloon last week.

Science and Math education fail.

Purchased.

I bet you will never guess what this lady wants to sell you.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:30:19 -0400

I bet you will never guess what this lady wants to sell you.

Charles Ives, age 69, suffering from diabetes, impaired by...

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:30:00 -0400

Charles Ives, age 69, suffering from diabetes, impaired by multiple heart attacks and probable strokes, singing his ass off.

The song is They are There. The text is here.

Charles Ives: The Unanswered Question (1906) Not only was Ives...

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0400

Charles Ives: The Unanswered Question (1906)

Not only was Ives writing the most heady stuff when Milton Babbit wasn’t even a twinkle in someone’s eye, but the dude basically invented estate-planning. How those things fit together, I’ll never be certain. Ives is a true American hero that is (and was) too often ignored. Ives was born 135 years ago today.

LOOK AT THAT FUCKING WINDSOR!

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:48:17 -0400

LOOK AT THAT FUCKING WINDSOR!

It’s times like these that I ask myself where I made a...

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:04:44 -0400

It’s times like these that I ask myself where I made a wrong turn in my life that I had to make a gmail filter for these messages.

Although it pains me to say so, father of the great Johann...

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:59:30 -0400

Although it pains me to say so, father of the great Johann Sebastian Bach totally looks like Ron Jeremy.